You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

so i bet, if you've been following this saga as closely as i have...(i say as i tug on my collar and roll my eyes)...you'll know i've had some wacky experiences as of late within the realm of young men. if you've been following this diary any longer than that, you'll know i HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THAT'S ALL ABOUT. in any way shape or form. i'm a flagrant novice. but anyway...

let's be UNCENSORED!

there was obviously the crash and burn that was "the german", back last august. and THAT, i'll tell ya...was funny. and i know exactly what it was. he was showing me LOADS of attention, was VERY interested in talking to me and finding out things about me...that was really it, and i thank heavens it didn't progress beyond that. but that was a messy scene. i liked him and then clare intercepted that. in the end that was really taking one for the team. it put a blight on our friendship that was really severe, but it was...an experience. defffffinitely one of those.

and it was during this time that i became tight with that enduring fixture of unceasing perplexity that is JIMMY. because he had a car and could get me to the german. this may have been secondary to the fact that he's cool, yes...and in our travels back and forth to catie's house (where the german resided), we bonded. he was dating my beautiful, brilliant friend heather and i offered my guidance there, since he too was a nervy novice. when things got tumultuous with clare, he was very very there for me. like...phenomenally there.

things slowed down and clare and i were on the mend very well by christmas, but it was beginning to really hit me that my old best friend manda was never going to see me, speak to me, be affiliated with me in any way shape or form ever again...and that just floored me. on top of the german debacle, which just soiled my self-esteem for a bit...i was not a happy pepper.

fuck that. i was a suicidal pepper. HOW STUPID!

anyhow, in and around this, then...jimmy really liked me. a lot. and i knew it. jimmy is very obvious. i knew it but it unnerved me, because my confidense was shaken and i knew what his hang-ups were. at the time it wasn't gelling. but i was definitely over the moon to know him and to have him to count as a close friend. not to mention, of course, he had lately then become an ex of a friend, which i am always weary of. and the fact that he did not concentrate exclusively on me counted that out as well.

but we were still tight, and growing ever tighter, and i asked him please to accompany me to clare's birthday. i thought people that i didn't want to be around would be there, and i wanted a teammate. we went, and things were FAR better than i'd ever foreseen...upon leaving, we'd seperately formulated two distinct plans: i was going to date his best friend duff, and he was going to get back together with heather. eventually our plans held hands and planned very giddily to get a hotel room together (oh MAN). but alas...

the long and the short of THAT escapade was that duff and i were NOT compatible kids. but i did like him a lot, he was my first kiss, it had a lot of good elements to it, but that it ended was a very good thing. but let me tell you...a lot contributed to making that disolution absolute HELL. one being the bleak and shivering impending end of jimmy's relationship with heather version 2.0. throughout being with duff, i'd comiserated with him over nerves and insecurities, but while i accepted the end of my relationship and knew that that would mend my nerves and allow me to focus on my insecurities, jimmy just let his snowball and amplify. because he very dearly loved heather, but wanted validation that he was getting from another girl. he let himself stray, and heather let him go.

on the one hand, i was seriously beset by the fact that my best friend was in pain. on the other...i had begun to develop a crush on the young man.

a big one.

it went like so: i had clare over to share my feelings on the resolution of duff and i. i was feeling better. and i noted, hey, you know...jimmy has been a real gem throughout this whole affair. i got all this affirmation from him that i didn't get from duff. he took me out and we bonded really intensely...he'd listened to me late into the evening...it was awesome. it was really what i needed, even if it hadn't hit me. jimmy's been really awesome, i said to clare.

well, she said, he did have a crush on you at christmas.

and i knew that. you heard me up there. i knew that! but when she pointed it out that day I CRIED!!!!! SO MUCH! i wouldn't stop! i didn't realize i liked him that much!!! at this point, though, he was still with heather, and a lot of my strife was utter embarrassment over having a crush on a best friend's significant other. that was agonizing and repulsive. but it persisted. in fact it only worsened. until their relationship dissolved and i really went batty.

i didn't want to do anything, i wanted a cue from him, and i don't know...i felt like i was getting them, which rationally was him needing me in a bad situation as his best friend. but i was out of my gord. totally totally totally. by his birthday i felt it necessary that i tell him exactly how i feel. i started to in the parking lot of an adult book store (with duff waiting in the car...hehehe) but i think it was wise that i abstained from really going into details until we were alone and a fair distance from a large concentration of adult entertainment.

anyhow, it sort of goes without saying that he did NOT share my feelings. it was pretty tumultuous, because i'd just gotten...waaaaaaayyy deep into it. so suddenly. it was really crazy. i liked him so much and he really wasn't capable at coming back with anything. and a whole load of wackiness ensued (which, amongst other things, involved doing relationshiply things outside of the confines of a relationship, which were devastating in their effects). but it was really...it became more trouble than it was worth in any way shape or form to dedicate that level of energy to it. he got sick and i freaked out, and then at by the graduation i just burnt out. that was that. i expelled the flagrant remainder of it all to elisa and amber.

and i was so happy. i felt so much better. i had been working so diligently, facing so many funny little setbacks with that since march...and at last! i didn't feel that pressing urgency! i didn't feel crazy! i was placid! i was happy! i'd surrendered from that miasma.

and it was during this phase, once the ball had begun rolling and there was absolutely no dragging me back into where i'd been before...AFTER THAT HAD ALL READY BECOME THE OBJECTIVE, discerning reader, AFTER, THAT'S when i met ken.

and you know what? he is absolutely stunning. speaking to him makes me realize what i like in a boy, in a person, what i enjoy about him, and the way that he speaks to me! the adulation and respect! the regard for my feelings and my interests and my affairs! he is absolutely amazing and so so valuable, and the affect he's had on my self-perception is so outstanding. i cannot begin to verbalize how infinitely secure i feel knowing that i deserve to be treated like that. i had lost track (to a miserable degree) of how i really prefered to be treated.

so i was all stunned and in a daze with that. why wouldn't i be? and why wouldn't i tell my best friend? well...in discussing it with jimmy, he managed to generate the most intense hurricane of sass i have ever had the misfortune of crossing paths with. he criticized my method of "rebounding" (which...nothing to rebound from there, buddy), any and all feelings i was having in light of having nothing (romantic) in the way of him. at this point he had set his sights on a young girl whom i adore, and i told him to go for it.

wackiness went down there, thusly, as we cannot escape it. but! just as things were looking up, jimmy suddenly abandoned ship on that project. and this was right before aliya visit, during which time jimmy became quite plausibly my least favorite person in the world for a matter of minutes. before he declared his love for me, which was just...what???

so i was just then epically confused. have been. still am to a degree. i told him then, amidst his declaration, that if he intended for ANYTHING to happen, he would have to prove he was DEAD SERIOUS and TREAT ME LIKE I WANT TO BE TREATED and SPOKEN TO WITHOUT SO MUCH GOD DAMN SASS! which, so far, has been a pleasant surprise...he's taken all of it to heart and been...phenomenal.

it's just funny. you know. after all of that...and for being so confused and so uncertain in my actions, wow...i could not ask to know two people who have been a better force in my life than ken and jimmy (though the latter as an extremely tainted record to atone for). i'm stunned. over and over and over.

i am surrounded by amazing <3 and best be heading to bed...this has taken me until 2 @_#.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)