10:01 p.m. x 2007-01-14
i have been meaning to update the layout. i really have to sit down and think about this thing one day. sprucing it up, eliminating some extraneous things. it will be done.
i wonder if it has regular readers anymore. i do not write consciously to an audience...not one i think is there, anyway...about what i want to remember, aiming as much as i can for emotional accuracy. i read back to so many entries where i was happy and wonderful things were happening and i didn't record them very well.
my sister got accepted into elizabethtown, which is good because it's the only place she applied to. she plays a mess of sports, so it wasn't a very risky move. but she's all giddy and wonky and if she behaves, i'll take her to sushi. she likes sushi now that she tried to steal some from me. i let her have two california rolls and now she's in lust. so i'll take her to sushi if she doesn't go insane.
my sister and i can't interact for very long, because she picks apart everything i do and is hyper-critical. i'm way passed taking what she says to heart, now it is just brain-scramblingly difficult to stand attempting to make conversation with her.
we're different. very different. we have different sensibilities when it comes to entertainment, appearance, attitude, and relationships. and sometimes she acts like she's interested in my approaches and opinions. and that's great to be interested...i'd love to hear her warped and twisted outlook on these things. i'd love to know how someone could stand the movies she watches and the music she listens to and how someone could have no close friends and treat the people who try to be close to her as dustmites. i'd be down for hearing her out on that. but she doesn't have a clue. she has no insight, she does not reflect on herself.
so sometimes she acts like she wants to know about me, and i'd gladly talk to her if i could. in fact, i'd love to. but she's like that some of the time. and some of is not most of. most of the time, she is repulsed and critical and reports everything back to my mother. and whether my mom gives a shit at the time or not, she will later. and when she is angry at me for anything, will use absolutely anything she has against me. this happens often.
so i don't really interact with my sister.
i talk to my brother sometimes, but i also talk to the beatles posters on my wall, if you get my drift. he has a lot more to him than my sister, but he is absolutely never paying attention. he also doesn't know when to stop. my sister and i have both hit him a lot in the past (we all hit each other), but i don't think either of my parents have. yet. i can see it coming, though.
i don't even want to think about my mom right now. but i feel bad about my dad. i yelled at him today. he doesn't notice, i don't think, that everything he says is critical, and he only comes into the room if he thinks i'm doing something wrong. and he says the same thing over and over again, because he thinks this will quicken the process. if i have not done something after you've asked me to, there is a reason. and it will get done. but if you say it over and over and it appears it is of a higher priority to you than to me, i will suggest you do it.
i am mortified by my insecurity sometimes. sometimes is getting to be much much MUCH more rare than it used to be. as i have learned, though, it is a killer. insecurity must be stopped at all costs. i need to be okay with myself and i need to show and treat jimmy that i trust him.
ugh. i'm an assclown. i'm sure it doesn't matter to him, but...that was stupid of me, and i've taken the measures to put that all out of my mind like he has. i am very done with all of that. i am ready to not worry.
do not doubt even for a moment that i am not the happiest i've ever been! i just need to learn to be less critical of myself. absolutely anything to heighten the pleasure.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start