12:27 a.m. x 2009-07-05
currently listening to: "angelene" by pj harvey
malingering on etsy. i shouldn't be indulging in this behavior. i have identified one frivolous purchase i intend to make post-visit and i don't want any more clawing at my weak, weak resolve.
i am getting rid of what looks like a quarter of my closet but what feels like half. and i am endeavoring perhaps to make an etsy of my own in order to unload it, since they are, by and large, very nice items that either no longer fit me because i am shaped considerably different (i can now get the size ten grey cords gifted to me by clare all the way on - i can't zip them, but i used to not even be able to get them past my thighs - i am ecstatic for this accomplishment alone, i was so big and so unhealthy for so long) or because i would simply like to stop dressing like a child.
i used to dress really matronly because i was so big and liked to wear dresses, and big dresses really tend to affect one with the matronly look no matter what one's after. then when i began to lose weight i started dressing like someone my age. now it's been a while, and not only am i the smallest i've been yet, i am also, predictably, older, and ready to graduate and pursue some professional aspirations, and i'm having trouble enough as it is taking myself seriously when i have no concievable reason to change out of my pajamas in the morning. i hate that. i have an innate loathing of not appearing to give SOME consideration to my appearance, even if it's simply putting on eyeliner and a skirt, which is the bare minimum of "dressing up" for me. and i haven't even been doing that in the past year because i've been getting so weird about my relationship with my body. it's time to abandon all that tripe.
i want to get up in the morning and curl my hair again. i always felt good when i did that, all throughout high school. just to take care of myself and not disregard myself. i don't know what i ever thought i'd get out of that kick. to be less neurotic about my appearance by neglecting it entirely. that's nurture speaking, loud and clear. despicable.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start