my thanksgiving with the space outside my room, will & grace, sir paul, "it", and kelly osbourne

11:04 p.m. x 2002-11-26

song of the day: *colorblind* by the counting crows, in honor of jaypea

*hugs* i love you little one, T__T.

okay - thanksgiving fucking blows. my day was just - *arrrgh*.

i missed everyone i really loved, really bad. the only good thing was that my aunt visited. other than that my mom was a huge bitch - didn't i already tell myself not to shop with her? @_@ *smacks herself*

oh no wait - other okay-level things happened i guess. there's this area around the outside my room, and i was just standing there, and all the sudden i smelled a smell that made my little hairs stand on end. IT SMELLED LIKE JAYPEA. and i love the way he smells. it's just...*dies*. he smells like sunshine!!! so yes...there is this area there that just smells so potently of john paul that it's beginning to make me a bit nervous.

i also watched sir paul on the television - *waves to sir paul* - i liked that. and then today i bought kelly osboune's cd *shut-up*. not bad, not bad at all - i like it a lot. her style is really cool.

*le sigh* i watched "will and grace". i was happy because i was enjoying it - i felt like i used to, i was happy. then i hopped into the tub and lied there for a while, then started to ball.

i. hate. myself. like. that.

for now, i leave you with what is probably my favorite speech from rachee ever. this made me cry and if it doesn't make you, you are a HEARTLESS BITCH.

*beep* - end of message

i was so happy. i couldn't sleep because reality was better then my dreams...i always knew i couldn't keep him because he was so much higher than me. i use to look at him and cry. a couple of days before he left, he leaned in to kiss me and i started to cry and my tears touched his face and he pulled away, touched his cheek with his pointer and middle finger and looked at it, then at me and said rachel...why are you crying? and i just looked into his eyes and lost it. i was like...i love you, and i have a feeling these are the last days i'll ever see you. i don't want this to be the last of us, and he looked at me with those eyes and said i don't want to hurt you. he took my hands in his and just kissed them. i just looked at him he looked back at me and we started into each others eyes for like an hour and we didn't say anything...but with that time when we were slient he told me everything i ever wanted to hear. he told me he was sorry for everything he'd ever done and that he loved me beyond everything and he told me, my mind, my heart my soul that we would be together someday. and never part. i looked at him and touched his face and i told him i forgave him. and i'd always be here and he just kissed me. after he left...i thought he was lying. he cryed the day he left...HE LOOKED BACK. we kissed he held me...then i let go we kissed and he slowly walked away and right beforr he turned to get into his bronco, he looked back. that's when a piece of him jumped inside me. i saw his eyes turn glassy when he looked back...i'll never forget it. as along as i live.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11