7:55 a.m. x 2004-02-19
i like to have a martini
two at the very most
three i'm under the table
four i'm under my host.
SCHOOL, ...i want to pick myself up. i'm trying to pick myself up. i'm trying to do all the work that needs done. i'm trying to understand what i "need to know". i don't care about the politics of it anymore, i just want to leave. i want to kick liberal art's college's ASS and get into NYU someday when i've accumulated something they'd like to see in a student. and if only it was SO FUCKING SIMPLE as "oh i don't put forth the effort" or "i just don't get it and i need to stay behind" i GET IT. IT JUST NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER WORKS. you want to talk about conspiracy theories?...
CAREER, i want flexibility. i excell beyond belief at what i'm dedicated to and interested in. let me entertaine. let me talk to people. let me make things and thoughts easier for the ones coming up than it was for the ones going inexplicably down. i don't think i need to pass alg 2 to do any of this, and do it DAMN FUCKING WELL.
BOYFRIEND, fuck it. really. i don't want anything so much as resembling a sophisticated relationship until i escape. i could not feel those feelings here in a place like this. by place, i mean geographically and emotionally and SOCIALLY - i would not bring an unsuspecting boy into the places i get myself into. so stick a pin in THAT, thankyouverymuch.
PERSONAL HAPPINESS/FULFILLMENT/ENLIGHTENMENT, yes. i want to go shopping very soon. i need THIS so badly i could cry (ignore that, it's my menstrual cycle speaking, like it has been this entire entry). i'm very pretty, and i'm on my way to looking better/healthier/awake. i sleep more now (more, but i'm still not on normal time yet). if i could just isolate myself for a second or two, that'd be cool...go study in switzerland or somewhere exotic where they don't expect me to learn their language and i can fly around a gorgeous city without having to worry about this stuff...
occassionally i lament the fact that i missed out by a century on things like finishing schools. weird. and i really want to cross-stitch now, thanks to the bust article. i can see the "GO FUCK YOURSELF" one really brightening up my future apartment.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start