11:43 a.m. x 2006-10-18
i have so much work. i have never been so bogged down. total lie. retraction. it was this bad last summer, but that was accelerated english with a complete dolt for a teacher. these papers actually call for quality and content. i'm doing BADLY in the one. i failed the other last year. another, the assignment is dear to my heart and if i do poorly i'll just be pissed with myself...bahhh.
i got into school today and fell asleep in the cafeteria. like, awesome...face-smushed-onto-my-notebook-while-writing sleep. collapsed into the thing. i drank the rest of my coffee and continued to lapse out while attempting to underline the notable aspects of studies on peer aggression, percieved popularity, image perception and how weight correlates or does not to one's overall likability.
i was initially doing this project on female competitive behavior within the context of relationships...would you believe the lack of research availible on that?! i thought there'd be more. eh. i'm summarizing three experiments, that's the assignment, and these are all on the same thing...more or less...
there are F5 and F4 keys missing or broken on all of these computers.
i'm going to have to private up my myspace relatively soon, as my sister's decided to try and invade that realm. she's pretty unpleasant and critical about my social behavior on the tangible, physical end of things. i really don't want to deal with her remarking about my friends commenting back and forth with me, what we talk about and who i talk to. EUGH. she thinks that i am just antagonistic towards her, but she really puts herself there. i don't give a shit how she talks to her friends or what they talk about, but she doesn't let anything i do go. she gawks and scowls and laments "why do you do that? why did you say that? why did you act that way?" and i'm really very repelled by it. i stopped associating with her a few years ago over it. we just piss each other off, but it's never registered with her to not bother with me. if i had discovered her myspace on my own, i wouldn't have friended her because i have no business doing so. ARGH.
not getting angsty about myspace. that is...anything i do online, it is free of scrutiny by my family. which makes it a valuable outlet. my family's pretty unpleasantly critical towards me and my method of doing things. especially my sister, so - fuck that.
i can just imagine it..."what does this mean? what the hell are you talking about? this is stupid. you have pictures of yourself?! you're not supposed to be proud of your appearance! what the hell?! what is up with your top friends?!?! why's he there? who's that? how do you know her?! why are you talking to these people? don't write stuff like that. seriously. it's really stupid." etc.
i get that about everything i do. i do not need to get that about something as bloody fucking arbitrary as a MYSPACE (and, by the way, i have a nicely maintained one, am only friends with people i know and speak to regularly, and actually use it to keep up communication with people i don't see frequently - BITCH).
oh man...i'm in a really good mood today ^-^ honestly. i think due to my notebook-smushing interlude. and getting into my work a little more. my focus has SSSUUUCCCKKKEEEDDD so far this year due to...a great many factors...depressive behaviors that REALLY caught me off guard that i've never exhibited before. last year at this time i was totally miserable and i shot up every morning, starved myself, was obsessive about the quality of my work, slept very little. this year i'm having a LOT of difficulty waking up, needing tons of sleep, chronically procrastinating (WHAT do you think i'm supposed to be doing right now), and experiencing some weird overeating spell. i'm starting to feel the effects of that. UGH. i hate all food-related body-image-related bullshit...hate it hate it hate it. alex remarked about what happened to me last year with that and she told me that really scared her. i'm quite sensitive to that not happening again, but i can't keep doing this either...i have a lot of difficulty finding middle ground. i'm doing pretty good with a lot of things, though.
and i'm definitely happy right now.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start