someday your eggs are going to hatch and some very strange birds are going to emerge

2:17 a.m. x 2010-10-21

currently listening to: "liar" by the cranberries

i am working on my statement of purpose. all the time i have been mining my depths has paid off because the answer was really in there: why i write. how that got to be what i love, and how writing allocated so much of my human capacity for love.

of my three rec letter writers (i feel so shitty about this) the one was my advisor and the other one of my best friends and so it was only a matter of, "may i have a letter?" and them writing it. but the other who is a professor i adore and admire but who does not know me closely has not been answering my emails (which were only very polite little prods and i know that they were polite but i feel so bad) and i found out today she has been very if not indignant then insulted enough to not respond at all because i have not reminded her which classes i took with her, what my grades were, etc. did not send her my statement of purpose or anything. i KNEW she made other people do that. i - ugh. i did not mean to insult her! i had no idea whether or not she was even recieving my emails.

so now i have extra urgent incentive to get my statement of purpose DOWN because i REQUIRE that letter. it is the only thing i cannot control. the GREs, my portfolio and the actual applications i have control over but not the letters and i am so happy that of the three two are fine and safe in my account at school.

having tried rice, almond and coconut milk as alternatives to dairy, i have decided to buy coconut faithfully. i definitely cannot ever have dairy ever again, it does horrific things to my body. i can't even kid myself anymore. i love soy but i like to have it when i go out and get things, partly because of being familiar with its dangers although there are dangers inherent in the constant consumption of most things. that is why i don't like to constantly consume anything. a lot of people i know have a very shifty attitude about anything they cannot eat or partake in constantly. like going to the movies. the price of a ticket does not bother me because i go to the movies twice a year, if that.

things i have been obsessed with

sailor moon
jeffrey dahmer
the beatles
(those the three principle obsessions of my youth, and they were all kind of simultaneous, dahmer bridging the former and the latter as my energy reserves were sublimated by my libidinal desire to possess a man/be just like john lennon, which had virtually nothing to do with his ideology, which i have always kind of ignored - i love yoko more than him as an artist but holy SHIT we are playing her at work now and it is a little oppressive. her voice. but i still think grapefruit and the way she lured john are the shit.)
courtney love
(which i charactarize as the era of my abandoning specific fixations. my thing for courtney was wanting to be momentous, frightening, in control of or at least palpably having power, and producing wicked, incredible art. and so courtney beget kat bjelland who beget jessicka who beget katie jane garside who beget amanda palmer and i IDOLIZED them and they all collectively pointed me to sylvia plath and anne sexton and kathy acker and colette and all these women who i admire but who also make me feel i can play in that field and i want to whereas my will to be a rockstar has always been in terms of writing and screaming and not so much touring or living with musicians.)
and here it gets very abstract: music, literature, philosophy. as soon as i graduated high school.

i am thinking of writing an essay about why i write instead of pursuing singing as my writing has not much but a notable amount to do with why it is writing and not another artform: not drawing or singing as those were the two things i spent my energy on as a child. why not filmmaking if i am so obsessed with it (OH HEY FILM YES I AM OBSESSED WITH THAT AS WE SPEAK). it is all about tension. and aesthetic distance. about why i have never entertained theatre as one of my arts and why it overwhelms me and i respect it but have a very difficult relationship with it. it is also about cash and my compulsive accumulation of a sizeable vocabulary. i never felt like a big reader even though i was. probably because i started out reading because i wanted to know about things like rape and murder and incest and debauchery and death and paranoia and schizophrenia. my first literary books were the end of alice and geek love and lolita. my sophomore year i was toting around dennis cooper's george miles books and the essential kathy acker. i bought sm101 and read it in algebra II(and failed algebra II). i loved sick, extreme shit because, i think, i did not want to get deep into anything and find a barrier. i was a tad indignant having gone so many years thinking music was kenny g only to find it could be bikini kill. once i was sure of where you could go with content then i branced into form. and so i am here now. ready to leap into the sack with thalia field's ululu. i hope i get into one of the schools to which i am applying. i want to work.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11