you took that away from me

3:18 p.m. x 2002-12-20

yuck. well today sucked...and it's all your fault, sir paul!!! no...really it was just a combination of things. sorry paul. we begin with the inevitable: jaypea could not take me to school today...alas he couldn't take me home from school either because the little punk got out early MERRR...*bangs head against the wall...violently so, indeed*. ate crepes in french avec the nutella mafia (who is essentially tweak...she can get you nutella insanely cheap. why? she's in the nutella mafia!), slept in english, poured my guts out to marissa 3rd block in graphic detaile, and spent geometry in the auditorium watching some loser just barely escape committing the arson we were all patiently waiting for.

the strange man got lighter fluid all over the stage...if he'd dropped one of those flaming mothers our school'd be doomed. alas...he managed to juggle three flaming things and not drop them...damn. i would've bolted my little bum out of there and escape with the likes of sara, amanda, britt, rachel (who was absent -_-), tweak, snicks, alex, anyone else want to come? survivors otherwise *smiles*! and then i'd highjack a bus and go john paul-napping...and he could drive us all off into the dazzling chartreuse horizon in a blaze of crisco *WHOOSH!*

so...i'm not in a terribly bad mood, it just wasn't the best would've sucked more had i not gotten to talk to marissa 3rd block. it felt nice to hear someone who understood the problem i'm having...i guess it's just that i'm scared to say when something's bothering me. i'm scared that it'll hurt someone who DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE HURT ANYMORE...i knew this was going to happen.

you - the you that all those sad entries were directed to - for any and all good you've done you've fucked a LOT of shit up for me with my friends, with my sanity, with my stress-level (already high enough, you know), and now you're going to fuck up the ONE THING THAT ACTUALLY MEANS SOMETHING DEEPLY AND DEARLY TO ME...i don't want "help" for that individual to realize ANYTHING because NOTHING is there and that's the way it should be [[[instered thank you to tweak for letting me read hard love]]]!!!

if you know talking bothers me, what about hugging? kissing? think that might get on my nerves a little bit, too?

that is my goal for the new year -


i don't care if it's "just a 'you' thing" or if "you don't MEAN anything by it" - it's interpreted another way by the person you're doing it to and those watching. and from out here it looks quite fucked up.

*phew*...i'm actually quite happy now, that felt good ^-^. i'll return in a bit...byeee-ness...

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11