You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

i am a hateful person, and when i try to verbalize that, the wording is always boggled and ineffectual. i would say it outloud, what makes me angry 99% of the time, but i shut-up. that you would think that hate to be self-pity or -destruction, or that i'm bemoaning a paranoia would be wrong...i am paranoid, so that's that. i don't know what's so pitying about one's self to want something reciprocated, echoed back. but i wouldn't hesitate to bet a large sum of money that you could find out how. i bet you think i envy you (and i do, on one point in the entire context of our friendship, there is one dynamic that you have that i do not, to any certain degree, and i'm not afraid to admit that it is a dynamic that i wish i had), i'm fairly certain if i were to say anything about this you'd think i'm talking about you.

well, i'm talking about you now, but this is a lot more about everybody else, and it isn't spiteful or whatever else you would be likely to read into it. i'm not hateful about them.

speaking of which, note to self: there is a collage of pictures on my wall, and i don't have noteworthy headshots of anybody (kenzie, clare, tiffany, sara, manda, tweak so far, that's it). must acquire photos.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)