1:31 a.m. x 2005-07-04

i feel a pang of spite, dear dland. one of my favorite books, running with scissors, is being adapted. that's fine, actually, that's GREAT and i'm REALLY excited to see it (and "the heart is deceitful above all things", which is revolving around the earth veeerry slooowly and shall soon eclipse over kari), BUT i'm very apprehensive. DUH! DUH, i'm apprehensive but not just about who will play who and do they seem like who...gwenyth paltrow is in it, i don't even care anymore. and evan rachel wood, whom i like but is grossly miscast. she still kicks my ass, though, so my hands are tied.

the book is faintly graphic, or at least intense, in it's description of a sexual relationship between the author as a young boy and a pedophile living in a shed. it provides a great balance and keeps the devastation in line with some of the lighter exploits (parental neglect and calculated overdoses are hil-AR-ious) illustrated in the memoir. but it's fun. it's jokey and it has a great BFF named dry. i think it'll be a great movie, but what are they going to do without me there?

completely disconnected: i was working today and suddenly felt so so so lonely that i got this detatched crawly feeling all over my body, and this british boy came over to me and asked me if he had this pair of pants in a small. i could feel my skull shivering. absolutely every time i go to work there is a british customer. how's that luck, out in the middle of rural iniquity...? i took my break and read notes from underground and probably drooled with a glazed, distant look in my eye for five minutes too long. being at work is like having a psychotic episode (but one that i'm paid for and isn't wholly miserable, there are people there i enjoy the company of, but it's made me appreciate privacy).

i have recently taken a good, long look at the kind of men i have attracted thusfar. and by that i mean, men who have been attracted to me. do you know what i mean? i cannot force you to be on the same page as me...i woke up to write this (!?)...they've all been (at the time, i ought to say) very smart. they were all savants. i definitely knew it and, in the case of the one, was too young to handle it with respect (and i think we can all dismiss me with a pat on the head from that, being as i was, what, eleven?), and in the case of the other two, i recognized it so that it sobered me around them. when i realized that they liked me i just relaxed and i got more contemplative around them. i never flirted back (because i don't feel like they flirted in the first place, but it's a very strong broadcast of "KAAARIIII", i get it now and again, y'know) but i was always polite. when i know somebody likes me i'm always polite.

i have this going for me, manners. actual mature relationships in their cliched sense are beyond alien to me. i think it'd be interesting to have one (and, speaking for the sir, i think it'd be interesting to have on with me). and the thing is that as i'm writing this i have no idea whether or not i'm single.

the boy in question asked me within the last weeks of school if i wanted to imbibe of the boyfriend-girlfriend thing and i said yes, and then he asked me later if we were really dating and i said yes. this has been a very intellectualized relationship, i think. we're the concept of a couple. we've drawn fans. i'm ready to fall back asleep.

my cousins from hawaii are visiting soon. the last time i saw them was when i was in sixth grade. i liked the spice girls, and their mother (my aunt) thought i was a bad influence. my dad's family is a curious entity. his other sister's son, there are two and it was the youngest one, is room was riddled with drugs when my sister used to sleep in it when we visited them. i love that now, thinking about it.

i have to re-purchase the brothers karamazov because i got it ABRIDGED. i'm out of my mind!

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)