You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

i'm writing this paper for english and it's making me really tired. so what am i doing? i'm writing. i should be bathing because i'm disgusting.

i alternately become hyper-aware of myself and my body and lose all interest in anyone else. this is often over the summer, and accounts for the majority of the reason that i forget what people look like as soon as mid-july. i'm generally surprised by people physically every time i see them. but lately i have been in my other swing, which is hyper-awareness of every small detail of everyone else physically and the complete gross negligence of my own body.

i'm so easily distracted when it comes to other people. everything about people amuses and interests me, but sometimes only insofar as i can manipulate it. i'm either going to know them very well and be their very good friend or i'm going to relegate them to my imagination and nothing they ever do will be interpreted as serious or real.

but i wonder sometimes if i am really that hard to understand and if i make any sense in any way. it really hurts my feeling to not be understood (when i'm speaking and when i'm writing). i worry that i'll be deeply undervalued and fall into a position that wastes my talents because nobody knows what i say when i speak to them. i don't feel that inarticulate. i have fair speech, or i definitely don't mumble.

i am falling asleep, though.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)