12:20 a.m. x 2005-08-19
i didn't get to speak to you today because i worked. i worked and i tried to figure some things out. i'm not progressing very far because i can't see it objectively AT ALL. usually i'm great at that, at stepping away and squinting and saying "oh - i get it now" but i didn't think i'd be able to do that with this anyway...not when he and i stare at each other so long we get headaches.
i just want to loll in a corner and feel raped for a minute, okay??? my fucking feelings are hurt. i'm totally humiliated and angry. i feel like i'm being lied to from all sides. i feel like everything was a massive set-up and i feel like WHY IN THE HELL DOES ANYBODY SPEAK TO ME??? when after a sentence or two it becomes your aim to dehumanize me. what is your fucking idea of a friend anyhow? somebody you don't fuck and what the fuck is that worth? this is what it's all about.
fucking fucking fucking. every time that comes up i want to tear things to fucking pieces. i have never been so beaten-up in my life. i have never had so many bruises EVERYWHERE. and that's fiiiine, man!
dear self, remember this pain for later in life, if ever you encounter anybody you have the slightest wisp of interest in. remember how fucked up you are and everyone else that you allow into your fucked up little circle. no one could survive that. you will never have a child. you will spend the remainder of your life writing really terrible things about what a monster you are and how you tore everyone to fucking pieces.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start