i have never felt to feel; i have never failed to fail

10:48 a.m. x 2005-08-25

i'm an adult and i shouldn't have to use kurt cobain to communicate my feelings for me, but i'm not exactly in the most together mindset. ACTUALLY, dland, if you're into hearing about it, all my somatic bullshit...i have quite the little list right now of physical discrepencies to grapple with. i'm so used to keeping things back that even when i try to deal with them my body leaps into action first with SOMATIC FUCKING DREAD. i am running a fever but it isn't real. and i'm dizzy and i stumble but i'm not really disoriented, i can't concentrate but i'm not particularly thinking about anything...

"never speak a word again; i will crawl away for good"

tightening in certain muscles, spasms; not unusual but just, hmm, constant. not a headache but a strange diffusing that i hear in the back of my head, like a gas leak. a burning sensation in the skin under my eyes and on the top of my cheeks and in my nose, like something is raping my face. a tight constricting in my stomach (lots going on there, i'm not even going to regale you with what i haven't eaten in the past week to get to that point).

trances that start near the end of my shift and meander on home, that go until it's three and the morning, and i'm awake and i'm exhausted but i'm not asleep because i'm in a trance, and i'm staring at all of these things.

i should put all of these things away.

and for this, whatever you want to call this...cause it isn't a breakdown, it isn't a crisis, do you know what it is, dland? this is something completely new. this is nothing like it used to be. this is learning the hard way, (you know that thing, if you do something wrong once it's their fault, twice it's your fault - you would understand, dland, if you knew).

...but i look and on all sides i see kara, catie, alex r, jimmy...i think my body just needs a minute to check that i can keep going. i shouldn't have any problem with these guys being around. i could go on perpetually and continuously if i surrounded myself with FRIENDS LIKE THEM.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11