11:34 p.m. x 2005-09-22
my ride home & i are going out to lunch, but the question is when. it meant a lot, A LOT, to have him tell me he likes riding home with me and conversing, and in the past he's reassured me about being attractive. jon paul the breakfast buddy complimented me way highly on my character and my appearance, just so that i knew i was cool when we parted last we spoke. there have perennially been docile, amiable male figures around to tell me i'm a cool guy and in all cases (but two, the first of which was too early and the second of which i fail to comment on) there have been no pressures and no expectations. i didn't feel compelled or put on a spot and they were always nice. not always lasting, which has made me sad, but totally beneficial. i know the value of guy friends...
...before you think i don't.
i'm supposed to be finessing a paper. i'm abstaining from my collegiate duties because my spirit is restless and, as previously stated, I AM UTTERLY PREOCCUPIED. HOLY SHIT. and if you are not acquainted with the hierarchy of k, academics is not very high. reading things, knowing things, acquiring knowledge is high...the arbitrary tasks surrounding the school environment are NOT. i intend to finish this paper, but NOT BEFORE I CLEAR MY MENTAL BLOCKAGE!
most of which, in this case, is male.
the funny sequence has me falling into deep, fast infatuation with my coworker, meeting alexander, having my innards fried on a great big hot plate of WEIRD, having several deep discussions about my self-worth with two guys from half-college (and the rest of the western world and xanga), and getting thrown in with my coworker again, only now much more incensed, erratic and hormonal as a result of the whole innards-frying thing. this would've exhausted me once. once, this would've moved me to go dormant for a long time. i would've been staid and silent and i would've concentrated on something else entirely.
i have had an epiphany, and i have accepted to work alongside impulses that have been previously compartmentalized as deterrents. no matter how disruptive, i am going to listen to those aspects and i'm going to integrate those feelings into my personality. that way, when i like somebody, i'll know about it.
the individuals credited with this include as diverse a cast as my closest friends, anais nin, woody allen, nietszche, and scarling. also blue oyster cult, because - no lie - i heard "burnin for you" one morning and this all came to light. i'll phrase it tactlessly and say it's a good thing i'm not a guy, because the rush would've meant some certain level of embarrassment were i male.
(i just ate taco bell. even having so many people volunteer to boost my ego within the past week...i do not feel any better about that, and you couldn't make me.)
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start