the valley's sleeping like a bastard, it stinks of slumber and disaster

8:48 p.m. x 2007-06-11

she is now starting to bother me and it is my own fault. i didn't spawn her and i didn't create her ingenuity...but it is starting to bother me nonetheless that she is making headway on my shtick. simply because my own shtick is suddenly her shtick. it is ugly. i taught her my shtick, month after month, year after year, and voila! what did i expect? my shoes don't seem like my shoes anymore. i look at a dress and wonder what it would look like on her before i buy it. i hate my guitar, i want a different one. she says it's destiny. feels like penance.
courtney love, 1989

for our eleventh month celebration, jimmy and i curled up, massaged, and watched "memento". BADASSSSSS. i'd been looking very foreward to seeing that, and he happened to purchase it recently. i loved it, and getting to talk to him about stuff that was a huge load off my mind. that was very awesome. he is an incredible best friend and an immeasurably sweet boyfriend, and i'm infinitely thankful and fortunate to have him close to me. mmmmmmmmm.

i feel a monumental sigh of relief. getting to talk to clare again about a problem like i used to was very refreshing, and badly needed. it'll only improve therein.

i can't rationalize my feelings about it. i'm offensively mad and upset to the point of...ridiculousness...i feel grossed out with the lack of understanding between the parties involved. what are you always going to me with, that thing your friends keep doing...i feel like shaving my head and throwing all my clothes away and abandoning the way i speak. read about new things and listen to new music. abandon myself and where it has/hasn't taken me. or some drastic surgery. i feel reduced. i'm so aberrantly embarrassed. i just want to walk out of the room. i can't describe it.

i'm so angry.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11