You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

currently listening to: "step into my office baby" by belle & sebastian

i could really scream my head off and then roll it down the street like a bowling ball at the mere thought of explaining myself over things i feel are such personal decisions. sometimes that is accompanied by the added hair-ripper-outer of feeling like a tremendous prick. maybe it wouldn't be SO BAD if you just explained yourself my conscience says. because i am perpetually striving to make people happy. not in the psychotically selfless martyr complex way i know well to avoid. it makes me happy to make people happy. there are people i prefer to make happy more than others.

it's been many many times in the past that it's when i'm not making someone else happy that i'm the most miserable. even if i am inconviniencing myself when they are made happy.

i have come to the conclusion that i need to speak to the school counselor. i've never asked for advice on anything before. i've got to figure this out for myself.

every day i get a little more neglectful of myself, would rather forget myself. want to spend all my time unconscious. i am going to be unconscious right now.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)