i'll show you where i keep the key to the dresser drawer where angels send me messages

2:56 a.m. x 2009-07-01

currently listening to: "1054" by umbrella tree


i really hope this month can bluster by with the same radiance as june.

i had more to write in my previous entry, but being that today (by which i mean yesterday - i am still awake) was a milestone, i didn't want to filthy up the entry with extraneous feelings. particularly angst.

i realize that mark and i have completely opposite trajectories throughout the day. i start at the bottom and rocket skyward, building momentum throughout the day, and he starts up and plunges. as a result, we pick each other up at our most down and vulnerable. that's not what i'd reason would happen, but that's what's been happening.

today i woke up and cried i was so depressed. my dear buddy shelby came over and i tried to make her a smoothie - tried to do something nice for my friend. i messed up with the blender, which i hadn't used in a while, and my sister took the ocassion to stamp out into the kitchen and say "you're so stupid i can't even believe it" and tried to get me away so she could clean the mess up (the mess being the bit of smoothie that had overflowed). the more i assured her like any sane individual might that i did it and i was capable of cleaning it up, she replied "clearly not if you're stupid enough to make this mistake".

it wasn't even half as embarrassing as it was shameful to let a new, very good friend see that behavior. my sister has real, scary problems. last night i found her sleeping on the couch and asked her if she would like to go up to her room, since i was awake and trying to do things downstairs, and her reply was a very grave "i'm going to punch you in the fucking face - i'm going to kill you if you bother me again". it would be riotous if she wasn't perfectly serious and incapable of seeing anything human in me to relate to (or inhuman, as her case may be). she sees me, i'm certain, as the cause of all our family's problems, which is an interesting approach, considering how i am the one no one relates to, especially these days. my dad is openly affectionate with my brother but ignores me. my mom and my sister are conjoined. she probably feels that because of this, if only i wasn't there being one of their children and requiring of them what children require of their parents, they'd only have the two they "wanted".

whatever she wants to believe is fine. but she is embarrassing, and the sooner i am not around her the better.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11