11:49 p.m. x 2010-01-02
currently listening to: "hunter" by portishead
my sister and i got into a fight. it was appropriately stupid - she has the same prediliction as my mom for sleeping in communal spots and creating a sense of alienation by ousting others from places where they otherwise could be. "privacy" is a strange concept around here. she was preparing to sleep in the sun room and i was making myself dinner (hot naan and chipotle hummus). i had my new planner and book from the met that my mom got me for christmas and i was going to do some writing and watch an episode of "intervention." when i switched the overhead light on - all the lamps have been removed from that room - my sister stamped into the room and flew into a rage right away. she did not ask me politely to turn the light off but proclaimed the light annoying and told me to turn it off. i explained what i was doing and she assumed i was lying, that it was nothing but a hostile gesture and stamped over and turned it off. i turned it back on and asked her to please leave me alone and she started screaming in my face. i smacked her, and she called me a psycho and ran.
she absolutely never says anything nice to me. she is relentlessly antagonistic and only speaks to me in order to criticize or bully me. she is so angry and so unhappy and has such a distorted sense of herself and how to associate with other people that it is very difficult to reason with her. it hurts my feelings that she doesn't like me so much but it's for such shallow and appalling reasons - she thinks i am a waste of money and that my every move in life is a stunt to attract attention (meanwhile, "leave me alone" constitutes 89% of what i've ever said to her). i happen to be in 1/5th the debt she's in (because i went to community college and got heaps of grants to transfer to the tiny school that i attend) and am happy and successful in my study of fiction and she really hates what she's doing (and never reflects upon why, because what she's doing is practical, which is as far as she considers the matter). but that is incidental.
i was able to run again today. i ran to one song and sweat more than usual, blah. but i did feel like i worked out. then my uterus churned so much i couldn't move until a few hours ago. i want to get to chapter eleven in miss macintosh before i go back to school so i won't feel so irresponsible for starting it. i really am excited to not be going back and forth so relentlessly so that i can find a gym where i can SWIM. that is the best workout, and i can swim very well. i am actually an incredible swimmer. i do not, however, get many occasions on which to swim. that must change.
i'm distraught about not taking the media criticism class now because the books look so interesting. i think i will buy them anyway. maybe i can talk to my advisor and get him to pull the professor's arm - they are buddies. that professor isn't very good, though. he is a good lecturer and knows what he is talking about but he is not a good teacher and that is frustrating. i took "film masterpieces" with him and all he wanted was for us to spit what he said back at him. beleaguering.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start