black on apricot

12:19 a.m. x 2010-11-07

currently listening to: "the spirit was gone" by antony & the johnsons

i have not really written about this at all, which is good since now there is an investigation - ah! - but we are down one at work and i am incurring shifts of the fallen this week. but! but! we get TWO NEW GIRLS in the cafe! to be trained swiftly and well. i am excited. tomorrow night i think i am going to the movies or something with my work buddies sara and christian. next weekend i am avec sam for a play she promises i will not hate. i am pleased just to see her. she no longer works with me but she has a real job and we have real friendlove.

i just ordered "scotland, pa" because i cannot find it anywhere online to watch for free and it is not on itunes. it is midnight now anyway but i really sorely miss blockbuster. it is still there downtown where it always was but they have nothing. they used to be so gloriously stocked not only did they always have fantastic new releases, they consistently had great cheap pre-viewed things (that is how "mulholland drive" and i came together) and a cavernous selection of creepy obscure movies that happened into their inventory by diabolical magic. i had to clammer for copies of those when they stopped carrying VHS. it was a slippery slope, then. but the odds were absolutely miraculous of my being able to go and get what i wanted there, especially for this area. rural. forgotten by time.

the problem i am having with my statement of purpose: i am very reluctant in such a circumstance to toot my own horn. i don't mind doing that socially but on paper even to my benefit it is tough for me to say "i did this i did this i did this" and that is because - i know why! - i used to be such an awful student. staggeringly bad. my advisor told me that i have the upward trajectory on my side - i didn't bottom out. he has made it clear that his letter includes much gushing to the tune of "ignore the fuck out of her grades." but he and i understand each other so well. i am so sincerely lucky, among the luckiest i've ever encountered, to have built such a relationship. it is very en vogue for graduates of that program to get over him fast and say, "he is not so great, his lack of success has infected my fervor," whatever whatever. to this i say: i'd love to have his job and to write. "success" to me is being able to write despite whatever else is going on. i hate that people have such an impossible time of establishing objectivity! so often they think it is personal, why things did not take off for them with this professor. well, it does have to do with you, but not with him. goodness. i did not have a perfect time of being his student either and i took one rejection so embarrassingly hard i can't even face the stupid reactionary things i did. BUT ultimately he supported me more than anybody and was instrumental in my getting the opportunities i got at school.

i hate that i have been unable to add to my resume since graduating. i KNOW i am working! paying loans back! what i should be doing! but i SHOULD BE REALLY I SHOULD BE contributing. to culture. that weighs. i should be organizing something or making something happen. i guess though right now i am a cog and i've always been an awful cog so i can try my hand right now at "contributing" in that fashion. i do love my job: i have fun when i'm there, i LOVELOVELOVE my coworkers, customers are mostly amazing. my discount is outrageous. BOOKS. it's heavenly that way. but i sales isn't my Thing. when one knows what one's Thing is doing something else, even for the sake of necessity, cramps.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11