it kills me to breathe you in

3:52 p.m. x 2003-02-28

today in fourth block, tiffany and i were working on a paper when-yet-another amanda came over to ask tiff a question. she asked if it bothered her or any of her other friends that she hung out with other people, did referring to them ever make tiff or anyone jealous, etc.

i wish i was open enough to just ask people that.

i have sara and manda and i always will, they're stuck with me. so's rachel and brittany. i may have more friends now but i don't love any of them any more or any less. do i seem like i do sometime...ugh that bothers me. and it's so hard to word. or it's difficult in that it's that simple it only takes one word: jealousy, and that's me being the jealous one, too...i know i'll never not love my friends but as soon as they hang out with other people i think "do they still like me?".

i'm too paranoid, and it doesn't go without reason. let's say sara and manda decide they want to go to the movies one day and i don't get invited. i think "okay" and don't put that much more thought into it. they never see each other and they've known one another longer than i have. but my mother will think they're conspiring against me and will get me all upset...i swear it's her hobby. mental oppresion.

this morning the listening provided by jaypea was a song from the play rent, and in the afternoon a "punkish" cover of my heart will go on. this has been my favorite week so far this year as far as my time with him goes. that time's valuable, he'll be a senior next year...

...rgh, i'm too drained to say anything else. damn slow careers class.

just say you would do the same for me
for as much as i love autumn
i'm giving myself to ashes

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11